when life gives you lemons...

Make LEMONAID...meh

 

 

tears form behind my eyes but i do not cry...

 

I miss him

 

I love him

 

I'M DYING INSIDE

 

I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE

 

I'M FALLING APART

 

the only things that keep me going are the text messages, the e-mails, the phone calls, and the OCCASSIONAL weekend visit.

 

8 days cannot go fast enough...

 

Of all the things I believed in
I just want to get it over with
tears form behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you and I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to 

and when the stars fall I will lie awake
Your my shooting star

 

I LOVE YOU MATTHEW PATRICK, your love is all I'll EVER NEED

I will never let you fall.
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all.
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.
'Cause you're my, you're my, my, my, my true love,
My whole heart, please don't throw that away.
Because I am here, for you.
Please don't walk away, and please tell me you'll stay.

 

I Never Should Have Let You Go
I Never Should Have Let You Slip
Through My Arms
As The Sun Sets Tonight
I'll Hold You With All That I Am
I Never Should Have Let You Go
Promise Me Youll Stay With Me Forever
Forever

 

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
MATTHEW I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

jesse spilt beans

..and it's my fault...cuz im sitting in the same room...typing up my essays for class

 

 ...it's my fault because...i'm the one closest to blame...

 

 

i'm crying and i didn't do anything...

 

...i hate this...

 

there are times when i just wish i didn't have to come back...

 

i hate this...

 

it's my fault...

 

always my fault...

 

...always

pain...

if i'm doing the "right" thing...why does it hurt so bad?

 

he was amazing, he treated me with so much respect, and oh my goodness the sweet messages.  he knew just how to make me smile...and now what...i fuck everything up because of a silly infatuation ...a stupid obsession...of which thinking about only makes me sick... ... ... an obsession thats many states away. an obsession that will probably just always be that... a pointless flight at trying to make something work, that isn't meant to be.

 

i hate feeling like this i hate being upset and i hate knowing that i'm the one that cuased him so much pain.  i care about him so much!!!!!!!! SO SOO MUCH! I worry about him... i just want to hold him and pretend none of this happened...

 

I can't believe myself...i'm disgusting...i can't even bring myself to look in the mirror...

 

...my stomach is all messed up... i feel nauseated...i've got a giant lump in my throat...my head is pounding...and to top it off i can't see...

 

i just wish he weren't avoiding me... but if thats what it takes to make him happy again...so be it...i will resepct that.

i'm done...

 

sorry guys but i really am upset and i know i haven't called any of u...and u barely know whats going on...but this time it's something i have to deal with on my own.  i will tell u whats going on in time...

 

-jenn

 

 

 

AA meetings here i come

lol

i'm hung over...again

i seriously need to learn to NOT drink so much when i go out!

 

&& somehow i need to get my car

 

anyone wanna drive me to palm harbor

i'm kinda embarrassed to be like ummm mom i left my car at the bar cuz i def couldn't walk by the time i left...ooops

 

i think i'll go take a warm bath...or something...meh

 

-the johnson

eye candy?!?!

hey all! it's been forever! Today I found out someone actually reads these things...therefore I have incentive to write another.

no no...it's not another random comment of the day...sorry i know how u all love my random posts...

 

today I just feel like talking...not to anyone specifically just to myself to put it out there and let it be read if so desired.

if I had a PENSIVE ALL my memories would be stored in there, specially sunday night, so I would not have to remember them...

my head hurts...probably because of the way i'm sitting/laying down. I could use a MATT massage! mmm mmm good! scratch that! I could use a massage from any cute boy who is willing and able to rub down the johnson!

HAHAHAHAH...ya i said RUB THE JOHNSON!...does that make u nervous!?...and in which way?!?!?! teehee...johnson...rubbing...yup...

I went to sea world yesterday! Matt got me in FREEEEEE!! as well as nick! I got to spend the night in a REALLY nice hotel! with amazing beds!!!!!! i kinda wanted to steal a pillow...or perhaps the huge flat screen tv...mmmmmm yeeessssssss! I was really hoping the bathroom had a jacuzzi tub...but I was let down...

Let it be known when I get MARRIED and have MY OWN house my husband BETTER realize the bathroom is going to be the LARGEST room in the house...lol the tub is gonna be bigger than our bed *wink*

omg i just saw the cutest thing on TV

this little girl was like why would you want to marry me any way...and the little boy was like so I could kiss you anytime I want. IT WAS SOOOO CUTE! I don't even know what movie this is. OMG and they kissed and they're like 7 or 8 and they got stuck by lightening or something. OMG WAHT MOVIE IS THIS theres rose pedals on her floor...and ALL OVER HER APARTMENT (oh it's reese whitherspoon)...and I still have no clue what movie it is...but maybe it's sweet home alabama...i never saw it and wasn't she in it?!?!

so i want rose pedals all over my room...and omg a boy to say that to me...sigh..

I think i'm gonna watch this movie

so much for tlaking about my weekend...lol

 

i'm gonna watch the MOVIE!

...my tv keeps going funny colors...meh

IF JENN JOHNSON HAD HORNS

yes thats right i said it HORNS!

ok so I haven't posted a RANDOM THOUGHT OF THE DAY IN ALMOST A MONTH...i know I know Give me a break! I've been busy...

I would like to add that the school smartened up and painted those lovely NEW speed bumps YELLOW...much better than the I can't see u BLACK!

 

on to the random thought of the day...OH and if u are an unlikely soul and have never gotten to read one of my random thoughts ur SOL cuz they are usually posted as bulletins and w/in 10 days they dissappear from the myspace WOLRD.

 

 

 

so...

 

 

HORNS!

 

 

indeed!

 

Alright cows have them, dear have them, bulls have them...the chupacabra (hehehe) has them Y NOT ME???

I feel left out of this evolutionary adaptation! I mean come on HORNS u know what one can do with those things?? NO...

 

 

well gues what

 

 

UR GONNA FIND OUT!!

 

so if i had horns...

i could dry my laundry on them!...ya know I could just walk around with a bra and panties hangin off my pimped out horns. ya never know whenu might need some extra undies

I could go to little kids birthday parties and when no ones looking POP ALL THE BALLOONS...and of course NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT the cute girl with the horns...NEVER :-D

2 words........SLING SHOT!

YESSS THATS RIGHT! i'd shoot innocent bystandards ALL DAY LONG...i'd sit on top of the roof and when some blond bomb shell walks by...PING right into those inflattable boobs!!! I'll show u HA!

WHO NEEDS A BACK SCRATCHER WHEN U HAVE HORNS?. CHA YEAH...thats what i thought!

good for holidays too...christmas i could hang lights, valentines day i could make them look like arrows and put hearts over them, halloween WELL DUH HORNS! DEVIL!

Oh and karate! I'll GIVE U THE GOAT! thats when i stick my horns in ur crotch and throw u across the room!! HELLZ YEAH!

HORNS!!

 

 

 

YES

 

 

I think I'll gonna go evolve into a horned being!

 

 

 

 

....

 

 

 

 

 

....

 

 

 

 

....

 

 

...

 

 

 

ahhh the greatness u've just spent a rought 4-5 minutes of your life reading about my wonderful HORNS....moments of your life u will never get back..

 

 

....but boy am I glad u spent them on me

 

 

 

nighty night!

 

 

 

 

 

...i'm feeling a bit horny...aren't u???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

..sheesh u ppl and ur dirty minds!

 

 

 

 

<3 ms johnson

 

 

 

HAPPY VENEREAL DISEASE! i wonder how long it will take u to figure that out....hehe

the person I hate to confront, the person I hate to think about, the 1 person I cant escape me

tonight we watched a really great movie...don't ask me what it's called cuz i don't remember and i really don't care...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

But movies like that make me start thinking...and when I start thinking I'm reminded of MYSELF...the person I hate to confront...the person I hate to think about...the one person I CAN'T escape...

It's so odd half the time I'm happy with myself and the other half I'm a mess.  I get these overwhelming urges to slip back into my old lifestyle.  I just want to sit down with a bottle of Bacardi and let lifes woes drift away. But then the other side of me reminds me of how crappy things were back then and how far I've come and I hold off.  I'm getting to the point where I can't hold off anymore.  I need something to fulfill that urge.  It's like I'm receding back to an old stage in my life…one in which I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED TO BE SUCKED BACK INTO.

I hate pretending to be someone I'm not but I hate it even more that I'm unable to be who I really am.  But is that alcoholic mess really who I am? Is this Christian wannabe really who I am? I love God I love Jesus but I'm such a horrible Christian it's like I'm trying to be something I'm not.  I can't change…it's impossible…I don't know who I am anymore.

I can't even bring myself to go home. Every time I see my mom I'm reminded of what I was and what she is.  I love her I really DO! But I worry about her…and her choices.  Could she have been someone else? Do I have that choice? How come I can't figure out what I want? How come I rather confide in this journal then confide in someone who will talk with me.  Y don't I trust anyone? Y am I incapable of loving someone? Y do I refuse to get close to my own friends? Y Y Y I hate asking Y because the answers never come.  I constantly doubt my faith…my prayers are never answered…I'm always left feeling empty.  I'm a horrible Christian, I constantly think of sex and pleasure, I curse and seem to be doing it more often.  Why do I think about stuff like this? I'm so messed up...it can't be normal.

How come I have NO problem letting people talk and helping them out but I can't talk to them…or maybe they just don't want to listen…no it's not that…it's that THEY DON'T ASK. THEY DON'T KNOW WHEN SOMETHINGS WRONG BECAUSE I DON'T LET THEM KNOW AND I WON'T TELL THEM EXACTLY WHATS ON MY MIND.  No one knows everything about me…I doubt that anyone ever will. Why do I lock myself inside? Why do I care more about my friends feelings than my own?

I don't feel like writing anymore. I'm probably digging myself a hole...everyones gonna be like OMG CHEER UP.  and I really don't care.  Tomorrow i'll be fine like nothing happened...thats how it always is.

I'm lost…in my head…and I think I'll go lay down…dreams are my escape…

I've always said my dreams have a sense of reality. Some of my dreams come true…and others are fictitious dramas of the mind.  But those slight few that come true amaze me.  After reading so much on Freud these past days I've come to conclude that I completely agree that my ID is taking over my life and that I'm using some major defense mechanism and relieving tension through my dreams…how to stop this...i can't...hoefully my ego will kick in and i can continue w/o too much stress

GOOD NIGHT

 

i reach for the sky and ask for help...but all i get is rain...

well it's been a tough week.  I miss Will, he was such a sweet heart.  Forensic psych will be so boring without him.  I'll miss him punching my leg and pinching my arms.  I'll miss his stories about his drunken excursions, and his silly attempts to convince me to come party with him like we use to....  sigh...the first time i drank Alzie (wooops can't spell).  was with Will.  ...oh goodness... the cock blocker incident. For those of u who rememebr that ...god bless ya...and good times good times!  I just had so many fun times with that boy.  It's so tough to let go and to accept that he is in a better place. 

I've been struggling with my faith with this horrible tragedy.  Amber helped me with a few things tonight but i still feel the need to explain...

I've been so angry with God these past few days...he took a great guy from all of us.  Will had such a large impact on people.  God caused so much PAIN and SUFFERING, for Will's family and for his friends.  How horrible of a thing to do!  If he loves us so much why would he take someone from us so fast without warning.  In such a shocking gruesome way?? It disgusts me... I don't want to be angry with God...I love him and I'm thankful for him...but sometimes i just want to know WHY!...Why take someone so young away...he couldn't possibly finished up his purpose already?!

Incidents like this remind me of my mortality...i could die in 10 minutes if God so much as desired.  I'm not ready... I wasn't ready for Will to die...neither was anyone else....there are so many things I want to do.  So many people to meet...so many things I want to tell people.  But if i die...i can't...

If I were to die tonight, i would let so many people down.  I won't be given the chance to say sorry to the ones I have upset.  Or to tell that special someone I love him.  I wouldn't be able to tell my grandpa that I love our talks and love him more than anyone else. I wouldn't be given the chance to graduate college, or have a family.  I wouldn't get my black belt in Tang Soo Do.  There are so many things...i wouldn't be able to do...

I just have the URGE to stand up and scream...WHY GOD WHY TAKE SOMEONE BEFORE THERE TIME.......WHY?

I would like it to be known that this is the 2nd friend i have lost to a car accident.  Justus Arnold Thomas Soanes the 3rd...I MISS U SWEET HEART! I still think of all the fun we use to have.  I miss our camping trips and our Wendy's excursions oh and of course the Beanery!...sigh...the beanery was the last place a saw you the night before u died... I miss talking about video games and the simple fun things in life.  I MISS U! It feels like ur in Orlando at school...but then i'm reminded u died 2 weeks before u were to start college...a tragedy.......that caused so much pain for me and our group of friends.  I rememeber your funeral.  Practically our whole Senior class, all of the Wendy's employees and of course your whole family...seeing ur sisters these days still makes my heart weep. Justus my dear I hope your still watching over all of us

...To Will...you better look over us too!

To those who knew Will I feel ur pain...stay strong...and always keep him in your heart.  I keep you all in my prayers.

God...please make it easier. Give me strength to get through this tough time.  My lord bless William Duclo and keep him by your side.  Let each and every one of us rejoice in his name and shed tears of happiness for the life that he led rather than the death that occured.  Let each of us find solace with you lord God.  I ask you to bless Wills family and his friends Lord I ask you all of this in Jesus' precious name...AMEN

 

 

wooo

skrew these 8 papers...

 

I'm gonna go play volleyball!!! WOOOOO

 

PROCRASTINATE NOW!!!...DON'T PUT IT OFF!!!

 

yey for sandy vaginas!!!

 

BAHAHA!

ANCHORMAN=LOVE

so last night was a disaster until about ummm 9:30 - 10ish when i went back to the orgy crews room.  Omg vinilla cake w/ chocolate icing + ANCHORMAN = A WHOLE LOT OF LOVIN!

oh oh plus the eatting of jeffs RIPE banana...that was excuisit! It's ok to be jealous! Don't worry...most guys are (u shoulda seen the size of that thing!)

lol

seriously though I'm so glad I have friend that can cheer me up like they do.  And can actually make me laugh over the exact reason I was mad in the first place...sigh...u guys are amazing.

Andy I love u when ur drunk....ok ...fine just buzzed...and I LOVE BAILEYS EVEN MORE.  ok fine I like the smell...hehehe u can drink all night and i can sniff it...it's intoxicating...HAHAHAHA

 

I'm done...

oh and it's 9:23am who the heck wakes up this early...GAH!