tonight we watched a really great movie...don't ask me what it's called cuz i don't remember and i really don't care...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
But movies like that make me start thinking...and when I start thinking I'm reminded of MYSELF...the person I hate to confront...the person I hate to think about...the one person I CAN'T escape...
It's so odd half the time I'm happy with myself and the other half I'm a mess. I get these overwhelming urges to slip back into my old lifestyle. I just want to sit down with a bottle of Bacardi and let lifes woes drift away. But then the other side of me reminds me of how crappy things were back then and how far I've come and I hold off. I'm getting to the point where I can't hold off anymore. I need something to fulfill that urge. It's like I'm receding back to an old stage in my life…one in which I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED TO BE SUCKED BACK INTO.
I hate pretending to be someone I'm not but I hate it even more that I'm unable to be who I really am. But is that alcoholic mess really who I am? Is this Christian wannabe really who I am? I love God I love Jesus but I'm such a horrible Christian it's like I'm trying to be something I'm not. I can't change…it's impossible…I don't know who I am anymore.
I can't even bring myself to go home. Every time I see my mom I'm reminded of what I was and what she is. I love her I really DO! But I worry about her…and her choices. Could she have been someone else? Do I have that choice? How come I can't figure out what I want? How come I rather confide in this journal then confide in someone who will talk with me. Y don't I trust anyone? Y am I incapable of loving someone? Y do I refuse to get close to my own friends? Y Y Y I hate asking Y because the answers never come. I constantly doubt my faith…my prayers are never answered…I'm always left feeling empty. I'm a horrible Christian, I constantly think of sex and pleasure, I curse and seem to be doing it more often. Why do I think about stuff like this? I'm so messed up...it can't be normal.
How come I have NO problem letting people talk and helping them out but I can't talk to them…or maybe they just don't want to listen…no it's not that…it's that THEY DON'T ASK. THEY DON'T KNOW WHEN SOMETHINGS WRONG BECAUSE I DON'T LET THEM KNOW AND I WON'T TELL THEM EXACTLY WHATS ON MY MIND. No one knows everything about me…I doubt that anyone ever will. Why do I lock myself inside? Why do I care more about my friends feelings than my own?
I don't feel like writing anymore. I'm probably digging myself a hole...everyones gonna be like OMG CHEER UP. and I really don't care. Tomorrow i'll be fine like nothing happened...thats how it always is.
I'm lost…in my head…and I think I'll go lay down…dreams are my escape…
I've always said my dreams have a sense of reality. Some of my dreams come true…and others are fictitious dramas of the mind. But those slight few that come true amaze me. After reading so much on Freud these past days I've come to conclude that I completely agree that my ID is taking over my life and that I'm using some major defense mechanism and relieving tension through my dreams…how to stop this...i can't...hoefully my ego will kick in and i can continue w/o too much stress
GOOD NIGHT
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